I don’t regret time spent with my ex.
Within those years i discovered a lot about myself.
The only thing that got to me was how i wished i could have changed the outcome, but we can’t change the will of God.
I was telling myself i needed time to heal, but when i went over my journals & notes.. I’d been healing myself since 2016
When i first started to write letters to myself it was January 2016. The first thing i wrote was about pain….
“It still hurts. The cut is so deep, that only he could heal the wombs. The one who created the pain. It’s a catch 22, but I can’t have you. So I masked the pain, hide my scars, and pretend that everything is okay. Secretly, wait for a call.. Anticipate a text message, but it’s nothing.. It’s always nothing. There was always a part of you that I couldn’t reach………”
I wrote that on 01/26/16
Who knew by January 2018 my heart would be set free.
Throughout the years, which was many.. we’d been on & off since 2010, i wrote letters to myself.
Things that i couldn’t say to him, not because i couldn’t speak, but because he didn’t understand.
Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t all bad, it was fun.. really fun.
The friendship was there but a certain type of love was not.
It’s true, you have to find someone who loves like you do.
In December 2017 we made what i thought was a promise to each other.
Like the story about the couple who decided to jump.. we both said we’d jump. I jumped, and landed flat on my face, broke every bone in my body but i got myself up & healed.
He never jumped, he watched me jump & went on with his life.
Loyalty is deeper than Love to me.
If I’m loyal to you, I’m yours, no questions asked. The problem is making sure your loyal to the right one.
He wasn’t loyal, & i knew that. I had to detach my loyalty from him.
It took some time but I’m free, & it feels good to be looking out for me